Saturday, March 26, 2005


"I can't get the jingle outta my head!!!!" Sooooo...I broke down and bought one. That shit not only was a real good chicken cost me almost 7 bucks for the value meal. Recommended if you like chicken and bacon...but not recommended if you have a heart condition or less then 4 beans on you.

Spring is here and summer is approaching and I'd like to share some pimptastic tips on how to have a backyard bash on a budget. Here is a list of foods that won't damage your pantleg and would be even cheaper if you can con some friends into pitching in.
Chicken---Always get this in the larger packs to avoid two things. Paying too much, and not having enough food for your guests. It makes you look like a shmuck if you invite a ton of people and run out of food. ...Because we all know that one asshole that says "nah gaaaa... I ain't hungry" and then when the food is cooking or comes to the picnic table that person is the first to grab for a burger bun and some mayo. PITCH IN BEEEEEACH!!!!!!!
anyway...back to the food.
Burgers---We all can't afford to order Omaha Steaks or Burgers so what is the next best thing??????? TOPPS BUTTA BURGERS....avalibility is not limited! These can be found in about every grocery store and even in some bodegas...and if you do happen to be in a bodega, grab yourself a cocoabread beef pattie for the ride home, I always do. The burgers come in a box and look like coasters before they are cooked...but after they are cooked and people have been drinking in the sweltering sun they could care less. It costs about 5bucks for 20 frozen coasters. Hot Dogs---This one is kinda tricky, you could be a real cheap fuck and buy the 2 for a dollar BAR S flavaz...that means 16 dogs for some pocket lint. The down side to this is that they taste like waterlogged cheerio's that have been fished out of a toliet. My advice on this is get either Sabrett's or Nathan's and
GO BIG! You could eat these out of any bun...stale, moldy, toasted, soggy, and it would still be tasty. You can only put so much mustard and ketchup on a dog...nah mean. You also could spice it up with a fresh cut white onion, it's only 75c...that will also cover up the beer on your boys breath in case he gets pinched for speeding.
Southern Shoulder Boston Butt Rib---You're probably asking WTF is that???!!! Well, for you people unfortunate enough not to's a big statement for PORK. This is an item that can go a long way with just a bottle of BBQ sauce. You may get some hoes at the party that won't touch it because it has fat in it...a little side note...pork fat is great. Emeril Lagasse isn't the only one that knows how to ruin a resolution. Boneless pork chops are great, but the ones with the bone are are better off buying them and watching someone choke on 'em less mouth to feed. Golden.
Salads---There are all sorts of salads out there that will tickle your fancy...the cheapest one you can make is the potatoe or tuna macaroni. These will make you look like a great host even if you use dolphin death tuna. (shhhhhhhh..!!!) no one has to know, the shit is covered in mayo anyway. For about a total of 5bucks you can have one real good one...or both, but semi-ass tasting. The receipes are simple...boil some macaroni, (you can make mac and cheeze, right?) add tuna or boiled potatoes, the rest of the white onion scraps, a boatload of mayo, and some salt and pepper to season. Mix, Chill, and Serve with a sinster grin. Waalahhh!
Drinks---Keep the good shit for yourself and get beer for the guests. The best way to do this is to buy a case of Milwaulkee's Best for like $7.99...transfer the beer into pitchers and bring them out early. If they ask you what kind of beer it is, change the subject or act like you have to go take a dump, whatever to just get them off the subject. Keep dodging the burning question until after everyone has had two or three. This way you can tell them that they're drinking Bud or Labatt's and they will never know the difference.
Condiments---QUICK TIP! Just buy the cheap stuff and put it in the good containers. Substitute Hunts for Heinz, Cains for Hellmann's, and Brand Yellow for Frenches. Got It? I know you do, you should have been writing this not me, Mr. Budget.

I hope that this classified info will be utilized, studied, and practiced. Have a good time at the party and go easy on the tater salad.