Sunday, November 30, 2008
Well, It's the holidays again and we all get to eat good, fight shoppers, watch football, and have plenty of other shit to deal with. Some of what we have to deal with is annoying relatives that haven't seen you in a while. I can't exactly say that have this problem due to the face that my aunts and uncles are pretty cool. I know though that there are some of you that just plain hate being social. For all you I've come up with a few excuses that are sure to get you out of any holiday function.
Vinyl's "don't feel like it" Checklist:
1. Some of us are married and have no choice, but if you actually have a set of nuts on you here's a good one. Tell your wife, or mate that if anyone makes a smart remark about your cheerful sweater that is smoothie colored, or outdated corduroys that have no ripples left, that you'll have to just diss the shit out of them and not hold anything back. Act like you have a short fuse for bullshit. this may get you out of at least on function. If not you can always try number two.
2. The day before the event, go out for hot wings and beer, but instead of ordering your wimpy mild sauce, go for the gold with the atomic sauce. Pound at least 2 beers before they hit the table, then try to get as many as you can down before you leave. Take breaks to ensure maximum stomach elasticity. I know it's punishing, but it can't be half as bad as having to peel potatoes, move chairs into the house from the garage, or listen to 10-20 little bastards deck the halls with screeching screams and laughter. The funny thing about the screams and laughs is that it seems to always result in at least 2 or 3 of them crying from taking a hard spill, getting duffed by a bigger kid , and last but not least, one of them bitching that some stole a toy away from them. I love this part of the night. They actually get what they deserve after all that bickering and whining. Back to the gimmick. When you wake up you will take the best shit ever, only it will be about as runny as those little kids noses at the party. You may be bed-ridden for a few hours but this will def get you out of going to something you don't want to attend. For a little less bodily harm try 3.
3. You could always just get up extra early, hit the beverage center and start working on something around the house or apartment while drinking. After all , where do you have to go today??? Smash beers or a bottle of wine untill you are too obnoxious to be taken anywhere. This might get you into trouble, but just play dumb like usual and forget how many you've had. The key is to make sure something got done, cause then you have something to fall back on. This could get you out of that family meeting with death, and best of all, give you some time alone to chill and work on something more serious like watching porn.
Weather or NOT...
With the holidays around we come to find ourselves watching a lot of the weathermen. (as if they actually know what fuck is going on) Checkin' and surfing to see if we have to get up early to shovel or salt the driveway. Wondering how long our commute is going to be, or even if we are going to get blazed that weekend and hit the golf courses to go sledding. If you live in upstate NY as I do you have to deal with these things. Another thing that sucks is the overly gay terms that the weathermen throw around when describing these occurances. I've populated a list that explains (or tries to explain) these in detail do that you know what they may mean.
Commonly Used Weatherterms... (we could all do without)
1. Noreaster: Short for "Northeastern" (shortened for what reason? As if they already weren't collecting a free paycheck). This is at the top of the list because obviously this is one of their favorites that are used to scare the public. What it is: A weather system that comes out of nowhere and drops a ton of snow or sleet within a given period. What it sounds like: A hick term that inquires "no" about the holiday easter. Ex: "you aint gonget nonew clothes fer christmas, noreaster. its jesus'es birfdays, notyers"
2. Clipper System: represented by short bursts of blips on the screen that barely drop anything to the ground. What it is: A system of snow or rain that is intermittent and unpredictable and rarely leave more that in inch in its path. Hence why they tryed to create a cool name for it. What it sounds like: The latest mail order product from The Sharper Image released in order to save the company from filing chapter 11. Ex: "the new sharper image clipper system come with a whopping 45 attachments, including the pube featherer, armpit cup, nose grinder, earbuster, and if you act now we'll even throw in the free bungdrill attachment (a $0.49 value), BUT WAIT!!!!!!!! if you call within the next ten minutes while eating a mustard, creamed corned hen and mayo sandwich dipped in an ashtray we'll gladly triple you order. (and they cll them "info"mercials, fuckin' assclowns)
3. Snow Squalls: Pretty much the same as a clipper system, but better. It actually stays consistant for a number of days dropping an unpredictable amount of precipitation. There is that word again, unpredictable. Is it just me, or are these guys real broad like psychics that promise you about a person you'll meet, or money you will run into in the coming years. (another bunch of jerkasses). What it is: Minimal patches of snow that dust the ground for several days. What it sounds like: A special bird only found in the foothills and mountains of the 'rondacks that multiplies by masterbation. Their special skills include ripping into old peoples garbage, robbing camper cabinets bare, and setting wildfires.
4. Alberta Clipper: Yet another term we could do without. There are preceeded by an artic air mass. What it is: A small, fast-moving low-pressure system that forms in western Canada and travels southeastward into the United States. What it sounds like: Another weatherman that basically had too much time on his hands and decided to come up with one more term to make people shit their bugle boys. Or it could be the "new and improved" Sharper Image product that makes less noise with patented "quietclip" technology that is strictly used for cuttin your boyfriend's or husband's unwanted jungle below the belt that he somehow forgot about. This is generally used while he is a sleep after a long night of tequila shots. Act now and they will throw in a tub of Orange Clean, a package of used Shamwows, and the tribal bikini line attachment. As always, order can be tripled if you call within the next 2 minutes while sitting naked, drinking old public pool water, staring at the blinking 12:00 on your busted betamax player that's still plugged in.
.... more to come from your favorite creative juiceman next week. (maybe)